Sunday, October 14, 2012

End of The World




Or will God just surprise us?


By Nita Wilson



Okay, what is all this stuff I’m seeing on TV about the world ending December 21st, 2012?  Why not, 12,12,2012 that’s my brother-in-law’s birthday and he’s a nice guy; maybe a nice bang up party for him? Numerically that would be 12,12,2012.  Does it say anything in the Bible or Koran using those numbers?   Oh, shoot, just as we’ve all learned to beware of the number 13 and God knows, 666, we now have to worry about 12’s.

“SURPRISE.”  Says God.  “I done told ya and told ya to behave and now look.”

The History Channel the other day reported that the Mayas in Mexico and a Native American tribe in Oregon have known for 1000 years and agree that 2012 would be the last year on this planet.  Oh, boy do I have questions:  How did the two groups get together and decide this? I mean they couldn’t pick up the phone and say, “Hey Chief… what do you think of the world coming to an end in 2012?”  Did a Mr. Gonzales in Mexico City turn to his wife one morning and say…

 “Honey I’m going on a journey up the road and I’ll be gone for a few years.  I’m going to talk to some friendly natives in the north about the end of the world.”

And did she roll over in bed and say?

“Fine, take the youngest with you.  He’s been getting on my nerves lately.  Bring me back a nice souvenir, and NOT one of those snow globes with the Grand Canyon.  Maybe a nice deer head for over the mantle.”

 Either way it’s a daunting task to get the two cultures together, and even more daunting I’m sure to get them to agree on the final date, after all, most humans have trouble agreeing on a salad dressing, much less the date of the end of the world.

So, what?  Nuclear bombs, “Oops” says the President of Afganistan, “That’s not the button to order another tea?”  “Oops” says the President, “My bad.  I hit it by mistake.”  “Oops” says China, “That’ll teach’em to owe us money.”   Maybe a meteor will take us out.  We’ll be looking up at the night sky commenting on the beautiful shooting star and Ka-blam, “Why, hello, St. Peter, I guess you’re wondering what I’m doing here?”

So how will this work? Will we have to stand in line at the Pearly Gates?  I mean, the end of the world; that’s a whole bunch of people/souls getting to the gates at the same time.  Will there be a line to both places, up and down?  What if we see people we know in the line to go downstairs?  If we judge them and say things like, “Hmm, I thought so!”  Will we then be put in that line for judging?  I hate to stand in line, hated it at Disney World, hated it at the House of Blues, I even hated it standing in line in New York to see Judy Garland’s body in her coffin in 1968.  Yes indeed, there were hot dog and ice cream vendors trying to sell snacks to those of us crazy enough to stand in such a line.  So what do we do?  I’d imagine there’d be a huge rush on the Pearly Gates.  Will there be shouting and shoving?  How long will we have to stand in line?  Is St. Peter prepared to handle so many people and pets at once?  He’s getting on in years you know. Will he have assistants? I have trouble counting my Thanksgiving guests and I’m a baby compared to him/her. There was a movie recently with Nicolas Cage where he was fortunate enough to be in the arms of his family when the world ended.  I guess we could pick the people we want to go with and just show up at their house on Dec. 12th, 2012 and stay until, you know, Ka-boom; or plan a nice party on that day and only invite people with whom you want to spend eternity. Of course that could prove embarrassing if in the long run a couple of friends or even yourself were ushered downstairs in front of your friends, “Oh my, Sheila, this is so humiliating I thought surely we’d be going to the same place, must have been that time in the ‘60’s when you, you know.. you know…, that priest?  Well don’t fret, you ole slut, he’ll probably be down there too.”  Haha, just a little laugh to ease the tension between us as she’s ushered down.

What about the people who are already there?  What if you run into someone who is quite frankly surprised to see you there and as you move on in the line, you hear under his/her breath…

“There goes the neighborhood…”

What if our Mexican neighbors get there first, put up a fence and won’t let us in?  That’d be a real kick in the pants.   What if you have to pass your Mother-in-law and she has a “I know something you don’t know” smirk on her face?  Yikes!!  Will the Scientologists have their own wing?  Will the Baptist finally get to dance and will the Methodist get to drink real wine with communion instead of grape juice. Will the Jews get to take off their yarmulkes? Will Chuck Seymour go to hell for cutting off my pigtail in the third grade?  Or will he be walking around with wings for all the good things he did, AFTER he cut off my pigtail?  Will the Catholics who ate meat on Friday get out of hell?  Boy, do I have questions. 

So, if we knew for sure this date would be the end what would you do?  Start living in a kind and Godly manner; become a better Christian, Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, person?  Oprah is doing her best with her new network; only reporting on good and uplifting things and putting out a positive goal for us all to follow.   I’d like to think we’d all do that.  I have family members who’d spend from now until Dec. 31st, 2012 cleaning house and sorting out things to get rid of.   Hmmm… what a waste of time that’d be. I mean, do we even need to lock the door?  I have a friend who’s already admitted she’d cash in all her assets and travel as Queen Latifa did in “The Perfect Holiday”.  I’d do that, but I could only get as far as Petal or Van Cleave, so I guess I’m satisfied right here with my two dogs, sitting on the swing on my back porch wearing comfortable shoes in case of those long lines.

I’m not going to clean out the closets in my house that really need re-organizing; until after New Years, I mean what’s the use?  I have been very aware of my underwear lately.  I bought new recently so I have no holey panties in case I’m caught off guard.  How embarrassing would that be, standing in line for heaven with bad underwear.  I can just see my irate mother on the other side, waving her staff or whatever they give you and screaming at me for not wearing good underwear on such an important trip.  

Of course December is my birthday month.  I just hope nobody gives me a spa day for Jan 1st.   But, I do hope there is a hotdog vendor because you get hungry standing in line.  According to Meryl Streep in “Defending Your Life” you can eat anything and never gain weight in Heaven.   You know; if we knew for sure the end of the world would happen on that date, there’d be a sweep of good deeds and people being nice to each other all over the world.   How nice would that be?  I just really hate to stand in line.  So if it ends won’t we all feel stupid getting so upset over the Presidential election?  I mean, really?  Of course this begs the question, which candidate would we see in the Heaven line and which in the other.   Just sayin… 

Sorry, God, it’s a hard habit to break.


No comments:

Post a Comment